Kiss
Puke
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
