Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
