Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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