Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
