420 ftw
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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