You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I did not marry a roomba.
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