I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
nut hugger
i need an iv and a liver transplant
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
