take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
