the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My legs feel like baby dolphins
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
