i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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