I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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