my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
