we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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