Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Damn victory sex feels great
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
