So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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