remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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