My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
