so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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