Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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