I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize