Need sex. Gaining weight.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
