it hurts more in the daytime
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
