My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
