bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
