the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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