Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
