I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
