using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
