Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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