You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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