Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
