The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
