4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
