I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
