Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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