Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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