If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
