I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
