Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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