I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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