the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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