how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
