I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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