im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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