I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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