Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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