and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
