TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
