What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
