Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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