How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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