just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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