how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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