The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
