Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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