Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
