I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
