Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
