Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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