gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
