If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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