WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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