Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Still dying that you shit outside
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
