2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
