I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
