my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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