it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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