I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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