I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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