theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
