im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
