Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
